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Dear Bev:

My boyfriend of 2 years hasn’t told me that he loves me.  I know he loves me, but he hasn’t said those words.  I haven’t said it to him either because I am afraid to bring up the topic.  I keep hoping that he will break the ice and just say it already.  We talk about our future together all the time, even about growing old together.  When we go out we even act like we are married sometimes, even though he has never said he wants to marry me.  My best friend said that if he really loved me he would say it.  Bev, am I just making excuses for him?  Am I wasting my time being with him?  I don’t know what to do.

 --Ashley from Bloomfield, CT

Hi Ashley,

Sorry to be so blunt… but after 2 years, if a man doesn’t tell you that he loves you, it is because he doesn’t.  In fact after 6 months after deciding/agreeing to date each other exclusively, if the topic of love has not been brought up, take it as a red flag and run.  Seriously!  I am not one for playing Dr. Fix Him-Up in a relationship.  

A man (or woman) presents himself (or herself) not only by his/her actions, but also by what and how they communicate with you.  Your man has definitely communicated his love for you… How?  By avoiding the topic and NOT saying it!  Why?  Because he doesn’t love you.  He may have gotten very comfortable with the physicality of your relationship and do not want to give that up. Some people may say that people show love in different ways.  This may be true.  But in a “HEALTHLY RELATIONSHIP” grown-ups are able to verbalize this deep emotional connection by saying “I LOVE YOU.”   

My advice is to sit him down tonight, look him in his eyes, and ask him straight out.  You may not get the results  that you have been longing for, so prepare yourself. Let me know the outcome. 

Dear Bev:

I am having a problem with my boyfriend’s ex-wife.  He has 3 children by 2 different women.  His children are 10, 6 & 5 and they all visit every weekend.   I am only having problems with the 5 year old’s mother.  She always wants to start problems between my boyfriend and myself by telling him that I am mean to their child.  I have been in a serious relationship with him now for 7 months, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship because of her.  We are even talking about getting married in 3 months.  Should I just pretend that his ex-wife doesn’t exist? 

--Christine from New Haven, CT

Hi Christine,

You are in a very tough situation.  It appears that you have yourself a man with major “BABY MAMA DRAMA!”  I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this drama will not end just by marrying this man.  In fact, I am totally against getting involved with anyone with minor children especially those with “BABY MAMA DRAMA” issues.  Why?  Statistics show that over 2/3 of all blended remarriages end in divorce, mostly because of, you guessed it ---“BABY MAMA DRAMA.”  Also, children do not need the added drama in their lives by watching parents with revolving doors of significant others, more half siblings, financial instability, neglect, poor parenting styles and the like.  But we are not talking about the kids problems right now, we are talking about yours.

I’m sorry Christine, but I cannot support your union with this man.  First off all, he has 3 kids by 2 different women, with 2 kids being only 1 year apart!  Do the math Christine!  Your man knocked-up 2 different women a few months apart.  What are you going to be, his “3^rd “BABY MAMA?” 

Think about this long and hard Christine.  This could be the biggest mistake of your life.     

Dear Bev:

My girlfriend just broke up with me on Christmas day. She said that I was too childish  because I enjoy playing video games and have roommates, and she needed someone who was more focused on the future.  I told her that I wanted to get married some day, but wasn’t sure when.  We have only been dating for 7 months.  I miss her already. Should I ask her to marry me and plan a future with her just to get her back?

--Jake from RI

 Hi Jake,

So sorry to hear about your resent breakup. Well, in order for me to ‘wisely’ answer your question, I would need more information.  I would need to know your ages, past marital status, any children involved, etc.  I am going to answer your question with the assumption that you both are around 30 years old, never been married and with no children involved. 

It appears that you and your ex-girlfriend were in different stages in your lives.  Most 30y/o women who break up with boyfriends for the reason you stated, are looking to settle down with the right partner and possibly start a family ASAP.  She was right! I would have dumped you too.  Sorry to sound so cold, but really? Video games and roommates?  Sorry, but it appears that you have some serious growing up to do.  Do NOT ask her to marry you just to get her back.  Please take some time (6 months) without dating to work on yourself. 

Now on the other hand, I would not answer this question in the same manner for persons below the age of 25.  I do not believe that anyone below the age of 25 should get married.  Resent research states that people who get married below the age of 25 is twice as likely to get divorced due to the fact that their brain hasn’t fully developed in the areas of decision making skills.  

Dear Bev:

I have a boyfriend of 3 years and things were going well until last few weeks. He is distant, doesn't call as usual, we fight about me visiting him as he doesn't want me to, we are always fighting & he says its all my fault,  He tells me that he forgot to contact me & that he is not fine that he is going through work stress & I should understand. I have literally been waiting on him to talk to me because he is neglecting me, hurting me with his rude hurtful words & most of all sometimes I feel like he doesn't care about me. But I'm very confused as he tells me he loves me but yet his hurting me so much!  My question is: Does he still want me in his life? Am I wasting my time waiting upon him to change this strange behavior?

---Truly Blaa

Hi Truly Blaa,

I am sorry to hear about your emotional turmoil.  I hear stories like yours often and my answer tends to be the same in every case.  I am sorry to say, that I do not put my stamp of approval on this relationship.  Your boyfriend’s actions appear to be that of an uncaring scoundrel who may be suffering from some mood issues and abusive tendencies. I am surprised that you stated these behaviors recently started only three weeks ago.  If I were a betting woman, I would bet that these behaviors were present throughout the relationship, but you made excuses just to maintain and/or to keep him in the picture.  

To answer your questions: “Does he still want me in his life?”  I think not! But he knows that you are not going anywhere, so he continues to treat you like crap and you continue to take it. If a man tells you he loves you and continues to hurt you, belittle you with his words and actions, it is because HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!  He may not even know how to love. “ Am I wasting my time?” Yes! You are completely wasting your time with this person.  

My advice is to end this relationship and NOT to get involved with anyone else for at least 6 months.  Take this time to work on yourself by evaluating your personal strengths, weaknesses, personality, esteem and concept.  It may be a good idea to seek the assistance of a therapist or life coach that will guide you on how to identify healthy and unhealthy relational patterns. I wish you the best of luck in your future relationships.  

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